Why Can't You Quit Drinking?

I've been asked this. It's embarrassing. "I don't know why, it's really hard, it's everywhere and everyone else can drink" I would exclaim. I would quit drinking... and then picked it back up again... and try to sweep the amount of sobriety I had under the rug in an attempted to drink without guilt.

There comes a time when you're caught.

I don't mean that in the sense that you're doing something wrong, you being addicted to an addictive substance that is widely marketed and pumped into every experience is not wrong. There's a difference between doing something wrong like not putting your shopping cart in the cart corall (choice, I see you, and it's the wrong choice!) and being addicted to alcohol (not a choice I can assure you).

|Picture a kid at Kindergarten graduation getting up on stage saying "I wanna be an alcoholic when I grow up!" Sorry, no one wants that for themselves and being addicted to alcohol is not a choice. You don't have to agree with me on this, it's okay. Side note: My son said he wanted to be a bucket truck, not the operator, he literally wanted to be the truck so I guess anything is possible.|

I mean it more in the sense that suddenly you're at a fork in the road. You then have a choice. Do I continue to live this life that I don't even want to be living anymore? Or do I let it go? (By the way... You can come upon many, many forks. It's harder to get home when you get turned around too many times though.)

For me it looked like this. I had multiple attempts at sobriety over the years. I would do something reckless, get a lecture, declare "Okay, I'm done, that was it." and I would maintain (on pure willpower) sobriety for about 1-4 months. Those months are easier. Why? Because the pain of what alcohol did to make you quit is still fresh. If you upset someone, they still remember and you don't want to let them down. If it's because you had a scary experience, you can still feel that fear and anxiety surrounding it.

The further I got away from my last drink the more tempting it was to drink again. The pain of the experience would ease. I would start thinking "It wasn't really that bad." "Everyone gets a little drunk some times." and the dreaded "It won't be like that next time, I'll work harder to moderate."

Fear driven and people pleasing motivation never worked for me.

I had to want it, deep down, for me. No one else matters when it comes to this. I had to dig down and find my why. Side note: You do not need to find your why prior to quitting, I found my why long after the dust settled.

I would let this go on forever unless I took responsibility for my actions for my self. I could make excuses and sweep things under the rug like I had for years but I wanted to change and I knew I was at the end of my rope.

I just didn't know how to be my own rescuer. I was always looking for someone to save me and blaming everyone around me for my faults.

So, what's my why then? Well, I discovered (even though it is scary as hell for me) that I want to make something of my life. My drinking was not leading me in that direction. This idea has always been surrounded by fear of failure. This notion was buried in insecurity and slowly eroded by my desire to drink. I wasn't growing and I saw more for my life. I was met with an inner ultimatum. It sounded a bit like this: "I can't keep drinking, what am I even doing? Everything I love is jeopardized at this point, I could start sneaking alcohol... That doesn't seem sustainable. I will always be chasing a feeling and I'm tired. It's so hard though. I have to be there for me, I have to do this. It's either I go down the road that will lead to destruction or I choose to do something scary and uncomfortable in hopes of a better life."

I was on the precipice of either something awful for myself and everyone around me or something amazing for myself and everyone around me.

What would your life look like? (Spoiler Alert: it's better than anything you can imagine.)

The way I talk about my past might seem like I was a fall down drunk all the time. I was not. Okay, I was a party girl back in the day but I held my own even up to the end. Which is why it's hard to know when to call it. (Tip: Don't compare your drinking to others, when you know you know.)

When will you be met with that inner ultimatum?

Quitting is really hard so please don't beat yourself up if you've attempted to quit and have gone back to drinking. It's addictive, it's everywhere, and it creates a comfort in a very uncomfortable world. When you're ready, let it happen. The further you let it go, the harder it becomes and you can't live in both worlds, you have to make the choice.

Everyone's journey looks different. I'll say it again, everyone's journey looks different. Which means if you disagree with me and choose to move to the beat of your own drum, that is TOTALLY FINE. Don't let others tell you how to recover. Unless you're paying them, then maybe listen to them...

Or don't, you do you boo.

But I will tell you this, every time you're met with that fork in the road with your drinking and you take another turn down "Alcohol Lane" it becomes harder and harder to find your way back home, to your true self. It took me 15 years, I hope your trip will be shorter.

Best,

Jen