Fitness: A Love-Hate Relationship

Happy New Year!

This morning I thought to myself, what am I going to write about for my next blog... Trust me, I am a bottomless pit of ideas but I'm going through a bit of a heavy period and want to steer clear of anything that I haven't yet healed from. After pondering for a moment I went on with my daily routine and as I picked up my TV remote to turn on my fitness program I thought, "Oh yes, my love-hate relationship with fitness!" What better topic than to talk about fitness going into the New Year. Yes, this resolution is quite antiquated and can have a toxic feel to it. It's probably not a popular topic this new year, as we become more accepting of our bodies, less weight loss driven, and more health-conscious. However, exercise is important for my recovery and I want to talk about what that looks like for me in hopes some of you may relate.

When I was younger, I was not an athlete. The first time I ran around the 1/4 mile track, I was last in place out of my entire class, barely jogging, heaving, completely out of breath, and red in the face. As I arrived back at the starting point, the end of the loop, all of my classmates were waiting for me and snickering. No one could believe how out of shape I was. Quickly, I blurted out "I have asthma!" (I do not) The teacher took a look at my sweaty red cheeks and just said, "Okay, have your parents send in a note." Shit.

In middle school, my 5'7 slender physique drew attention from coaches who would take a look at me and say things like "She'd make a good point guard in basketball." or "You should really go out for volleyball." These remarks made me feel confident, I felt like I belonged to something. Wanting to live up to this potential, I tried out for each of these. As it turns out, you need more than height (like skill and technique or maybe to just pay attention) and soon I became a benchwarmer. Any game time I had came with crippling anxiety and sometimes surprisingly embarrassing moments. Such as making a basket for the other team in basketball or spiking the ball back into our own court in volleyball. Naturally lacking confidence for a multitude of other reasons, I gave up easily and decided, maybe sports weren't for me. On the inside, I truly wanted to be athletic. Daydreaming about being the best on the team, outrunning everyone, and having my crush watch it all happen was a constant tape playing in my head.

By the time I was in High School, my tri-athlete dreams had dwindled. I managed to play sports that demanded less lung capacity due to my cigarette habit. I'd managed to become almost a pack-a-day smoker by the time I was in 10th grade and it wasn't doing me any favors in the cardio department. There was a local store us kids could buy from, I think about that sometimes, how crazy is that. My smoking habit started at 13 years old so by High School, I was a regular smoker, actually addicted to cigarettes.

To top it off, my heavy drinking picked up at age 18. When I say heavy drinking, I mean I was drinking a fifth at a time and on top of it, I was smoking a pack a day at least. Trying to look like I had my life together in my early 20s, I would make plans with friends to "go for a hike" at 3am the night before from the bar dancefloor. Have you ever made gym plans with someone while you were drunk? I was THE Queen of making healthy plans with friends while I was drunk. I guess I had good intentions. But as the sun rose the next day and I wasn't even in bed yet, I was not about to go meet someone at the gym. It was greasy Chinese food, movies, weed, and probably more alcohol for me.

On occasion, when I was out of balance, I would do yoga. Then I would make it a point to tell everyone that I did yoga. I would act like it was a daily ritual but in fact, it was maybe a once-a-month activity totaling 3 sun salutations.

Fast forward past all of the chaos from my earlier years and to a time when I started to look toward a healthier lifestyle. I knew I needed something more. We lived next to an upscale neighborhood that would occasionally spill into ours. I'd peer out my blinds like a gremlin avoiding the daylight as people jogged by with their running gear, designer shoes, and baby joggers. Some shuffled along with smiles on their faces as they left the farmers market around the corner with fresh vegetables and a colorful array of flowers. I thought, how do I become one of those people running at 7am on Saturday? I want to go to the farmers market, bringing home a bouquet of beautiful flowers, I want to jog in the morning and feel accomplished.

One day I was feeling particularly motivated to become "healthy". In the back of my mind, I always wanted to "be healthy". I had a version of who I wanted to be, I just didn't want to... Change my behavior.

From my kitchen table, peering over my laptop, I typed in "fitness programs" and hit enter. Of course, I selected the first ad that popped up. Upon entering a website promising amazing bodies, I clicked on the ridiculously ripped guy, watched a few videos, and clicked the very large flashing BUY NOW button at the bottom of the screen. A few weeks later I had in my possession, my first ever workout DVD. Look out everyone, I am going to be ripped in no time! I'd like to preface I had just given birth to my daughter about 6 weeks earlier. Other moms reading this may have experienced a strong urge to get healthy right after having a baby, especially when our previous lifestyles weren't, ehem, very healthy. | Did anyone else feel magically healthier when they were pregnant? Okay, aside from morning sickness, that was the worst. My moods were stable and I had a healthier disposition on life. Later I realized that was from being sober for 9 months and not smoking. |

After reading through the booklet that came with said DVD, I did everything I was supposed to do. I measured myself, took pictures, wrote down stats. I was ready. The first week was hard. Plyometrics had me gasping for air on my front porch nearly throwing up my breakfast. After the first week, I had this extreme pain in my lower back. I decided to contact my doctor. I told her what I was experiencing and she looked at me and said "Jen, you just had a baby, maybe choose something easier to start with." I shoved that DVD somewhere in my living room, never to touch it again.

Fitness became like my attempts at sobriety. There were moments of experimenting with fitness routines, sobriety, and healthy eating but just as commonly there were moments of overdrinking, sedentary living, and eating my feelings.

It was a constant cycle, a constant tug of war. In my mind, there was a version of myself that would come into view as I strived for a healthier lifestyle and this version of me would vanish just as fast as it came. Before I could blink I would find myself stuffing my feelings down with food and numbing out with alcohol, "ruining" all my progress.

Once I was aware of my back and forth routine, I was too afraid to try and fail. The romance of talking about a new fitness routine with my friends died off and I just felt embarrassed that I couldn't figure it out. That's when the wilder swings started, the longer periods of sobriety, the dramatic weight loss, working out to the point of injury, fluctuating anywhere from 25-40lbs when I relapsed. People would comment on my weight, to be honest, I was used to this. I've been thin my whole life and for some reason, it's "okay" to comment on someone's weight as long as you "think" you have good intentions. | Hi, it's never okay to comment on someone's weight | I started to hide when I gained weight during depressions and binges. Isolating is common when you have a binge, but even after the dust settled, I didn't want anyone to see my new body.

That last paragraph I just wrote could easily create an entire blog post on my struggles with body dysmorphia, chronic pain, binge eating, bulimia, self-harm, and other issues but for the sake of time, we're not going to go there. I will say I've healed. Maybe later I can share my experience.

Those years of building fitness routines only to drop them, making connections at the gym only to ghost them during an injury or a relapse, and exploring self-efficacy and self-doubt weren't a waste. I have accumulated information on what works for me, what doesn't work for me, and what I'd like to improve on. If I had never gone through the up and down periods, I wouldn't know these things about myself.

This is something I think many of us experience so if this resonates with you, first of all, you are not failing. Change is really hard but if you stick with it, someday you will look back and you will be impressed with how far you have come. I bet you can do that right now actually. Try it. Even the smallest achievements deserve recognition.

If you are still trying, at sobriety, at fitness, at bettering yourself, you are not failing. I cannot stress that enough.

Nowadays, my life is very routine. I say fuck the scale, do the workouts that work best for me, and try not to go overboard in any direction. I strive for consistency. And after almost two years of sobriety, I've finally started tackling my relationship with food.

Don't beat yourself up if you're having trouble in any of these areas. It's hard work.

My goal is to be the healthiest version of myself. Exercise may have started as a desire to look good but it helps me feel my best. Fitness helps with my mental health and that's very important for me as I struggle with anxiety and depression. If you'd like to learn more about the benefits of exercise in recovery, click here.

If you're someone who is struggling to stick with a routine, please don't give up. We all go through this as we strive for a healthier version of ourselves. Try to stick with it, keep getting creative, and keep moving forward.

Best, Jen

| Side note: When I post before and after pictures of myself on social media, many people point out my weight loss. Like I stated before, I would fluctuate 25-40lbs during relapses. Yes, there is a dramatic difference in appearances and most people want a visual for what I'm talking about but it's important to note that my weight gain was from abusing alcohol and binge eating. When I stopped hurting myself, the weight came off. Working on my relationship with food and a healthy fitness routine has been a process. The healthiest version of me is the version where I can let go of others' opinions and just love my body. Learning to love the bigger version of myself was a part of my healing process. No one should comment on anyone's weight whether you believe you have good intentions or not. All bodies are beautiful and I shouldn't receive praise for being naturally thin or for losing weight while seeking a healthier version of myself. Everyone has a different relationship with their body and we don't know if there is trauma involved. Anyway, there are far more creative compliments not based on appearances that we can give. Okay, I'll get off my soapbox. Thanks for listening!