People Pleaser.

(Also, trigger warning, this might be triggering! (verbal abuse, descriptions of drinking))

It's a Friday, I'm watching tv trying to relax. I have my nightly glass of wine. When I say glass of wine, I mean a rocks glass filled to the brim with boxed wine. Wine glasses themselves are too flimsy and the wine glasses we've collected from various local wineries are far too small for my copious amounts of sauvignon blanc (or anything with the highest ABV, obviously). As I'm settling into my blissful buzz my phone lights up. "You're a piece of shit, you know that". My heart starts racing and it's unbelievably painful, it feels like it might burst. A rush of embarrassment floods my cheeks. I delete the message and try to block it out of my mind and go on to drink several more glasses of wine.

There was a point in my life where my phone felt like a grenade. Any moment, at least half a dozen people could text or call me and I'd completely unravel. The pounding heart and racing mind was enough to drive me insane. Insecurities I felt about myself, other people would confirm them with a few hateful words. My negative self-talk fueled for at least a week after one of these encounters. I've always been one to smooth things over, stay out of people's way, avoiding conflict, but the conflict had a way of finding me... Or was it like that?

My coping skill for conflict ranged from scurrying away like a bug to causing conflict when I felt slighted. If someone confronted me and started talking down to me, I acted as if they had the right to do so. Turning the cheek and saying "Thank you, may I have another? We're still cool though right?". If I started it and I didn't like their reaction I would dig as deep as possible to make sure they felt how I felt. Justice! Right?...

As long as at the end of the day everyone still "liked" me. If I took it too far, I'd apologize endlessly until I degraded myself into a puddle of filth. My concern was not for myself, it was for myself to feel loved. I craved it. Half of me wanted everyone to know how easygoing I was. "Oh, you ran over my dog, no biggie." (that didn't happen but it might have well had with some of the situations). The other half of me wanted people to know how upset I was so they might care and if I had to tear them down to get there, well so be it!

Making decisions for myself was nearly impossible. I would ask everyone for advice, cry on their shoulder, and try to get them to make decisions for me. I could never trust myself to make the right choice. My confidence was not there.

Moments like these seeped into my recovery when I'd ask everyone around me if I had a drinking problem. Even when I built up the courage to say "I'm not drinking anymore, I really need to quit, I know I have a problem" it was met with "You don't have a problem, you just need to learn how to have one or two and stop." or "Whatever, you're just being dumb." or the internal dialog of "They really want me to drink with them, I guess tonight will be okay." Which lead my mind to believe "As long as they don't think I have a problem, I guess I'm okay." All the while knowing deep down (not even deep down let's be honest) that I had a problem. I thought of what people would think, I was afraid that people would talk about me negatively if I said I had a problem and needed help. What would the other moms think? Would this damage relationships for my children?

As people pleasers we've spent our lives walking on eggshells, afraid to upset anyone, and easily upset if we feel the slightest pang of rejection.

That text from the beginning of this? Was an abusive dynamic I allowed to continue for years. When I would try to defend myself, old behaviors of mine were thrown in my face as a reason for the attack. I was spinning my wheels, never gaining traction. I allowed people to talk down to me my whole life. Conversations with certain people turned south without notice and suddenly I was crippled with anxiety and fear.

The day I stood up for myself was a huge turning point. It was after my last relapse and I was a hermit basically. Only coming out to talk with my therapist and to work out at the gym. I quit a toxic work environment, buckled down on sobriety, and was making real progress in my life for once. I was on a phone call that was quickly turning south, names were being thrown at me, and they felt so foreign. The words "whore" and "bitch" didn't hurt and they didn't match how I felt about myself anymore. I stopped them and said, "I'm sorry, you can't talk to me like that, no one talks to me like that, and I won't allow it." And to my surprise there was silence and then the subject changed. Holy shit! Is this a win? Now, when I feel like it's headed that way, I simply tell them it's not acceptable and end the conversation instead of sitting there and taking it or trying to defend myself.

I noticed the more I vocalized how I felt, without tearing anyone down in the process, the more success I was having. All while lifting myself up at the same time. Success!

(I want you to know that I understand how lucky I am to have this end so easily. I understand there are situations when you have to completely cut your abuser off and that doesn't help which is very serious. I am very sorry if you're going through that, I understand how serious it is. This is my story and my experience in this situation.)

I write all of this knowing I'm accountable for my own actions, I'm not a victim. We don't go through addiction without hurting people. Guilt fueled my drinking for many years and I will not go back to that.

I locked myself in my own cage for most of my life, I refuse to let anyone put me back in it.

If any of this resonates with you, let me leave you with this:

Boundary setting is imperative in recovery and boundary setting has to go both ways to work. I learned not to push past others' boundaries just as much as I had to learn how to stand up for myself.

The bottom line is we have to teach people how to treat us. When someone refuses to treat you how you want to be treated, limit their access or cut them off completely. (read that again please)

I wasn't able to do that until I understood that I am responsible for loving myself first and that I need to protect myself, no one is going to do that for me. I couldn't love myself first until I worked out the reasons why I was so self-deprecating.

And finally, never apologize for improving our life.

Best, Jen