Too Good To Be True

Do you ever get the feeling that something is too good to be true? You're experiencing overwhelming joy and suddenly you have the thought "when is the other shoe going to drop?" When is this going to come crashing down? You find yourself waiting there in agony and anxiety-ridden for something to go BANG! and for this moment to be stolen by something completely devastating and painful.

When I was about 11 years old I was told that my Grandma was bringing me a puppy. You guys, I don't know how to put into words how excited I was. I obsessed over this for weeks. Asking every single day when they were coming and if it was truly going to happen. I WAS GETTING A PUPPY!

For weeks I laid in bed at night negotiating with God. "If I get this puppy, I swear I will never do anything bad ever again."

Weeks went by and my mom told me they were making the drive up from Mississippi. I thought of every possible bad scenario that could happen, car accident, someone stealing the dog, they change their mind, they could show up without the dog and this was all a cruel joke. The rest of my life depended on this dog, I could not imagine happiness without him and I didn't even know if this was going to happen.

My mom told me they would be there in the morning. I waited in anticipation outside on our country porch in the cool damp Michigan spring air and then I heard their car coming down the road turning into our driveway. They were here! What was I to expect? What if they didn't have him... The next thing I knew I was being greeted by the cutest, tiny, cream-colored Pekinese puppy named Gus. To this day he was my favorite childhood pet.

Here was concrete evidence that all of my anxiety was a waste, everything worked out fine yet I agonized for weeks on the verge of tears at the thought this wasn't going to happen.

I still experience this. All the evidence adds up in my favor, great things happen, good events take place, but I still go into a panic when life feels like it's going good.

I even go out of my way to ruin things before they are ruined organically. Sound familiar to anyone out there?

Through self sabotage, I was able to control the outcome. I don't like not knowing the outcome so I just make one for myself. Although it's not the one I wanted at least I don't have to sit there sweating over what will take place.

This can catch us as we choose to walk away from alcohol. Especially if you've struggled to quit and you've gone back to drinking a few times. The distance from your last drink creates a level of anticipation. "Okay, when will it happen? When will that day hit where I can't say no and I pick up a drink again and have to start all over? Can I really go the rest of my life without alcohol?"

I've relapsed over thinking about not wanting to relapse.

S e l f S a b o t a g e Q u e e n

Fast forward to the present day. I'm 10 months away from my last drink. I know I never want to drink again. I don't crave alcohol. For being kind of "down" the last few weeks I'm doing remarkably well emotionally. I see myself growing and learning from my past as I move forward... And it scares the hell out of me. My blog is literally called Jen Moves Forward, you'd think this would be a walk in the park, amiright?

What will the next chapter of my life look like? Will I make it? What if I experience something so horrible it drives me to drink?

I guess I don't know, no one knows. I look at the evidence I've built up around myself that screams "YOU'RE MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES, KEEP IT UP!" and I try not to let any overwhelming thoughts sweep me under.

Now when something good comes my way, I can deeply appreciate it. This unadulterated, untethered moment of joy is all mine, what a blessing. When it's gone, I let it go. As I distance myself from alcohol I have a clear picture that reminds me good moments come back and I am fully present for them when they arrive.

My life is calm (unlike when I was drinking), my life is mine (unlike when it belonged to alcohol), and I have built confidence through my past experiences that propel me forward in this unknown territory.

Is this too good to be true? I've spent my whole life looking for the drama in every situation. Waiting for things to fall apart, sometimes ripping them apart myself to add confirmation to my fears.

This time I think I'll just enjoy this and be grateful.

Best, Jen