Relapse.

A word that brings up so many different emotions for me and I'm sure for many of you reading this. Mostly negative emotions such as fear, guilt, defeat, emptiness, inadequacy, you get the picture.

Did you know it's common to relapse? (Please don't let that scare you if you just began your sobriety journey, I have to get this message out for those who are in the thick of it.) I've been there and it can be a very uncomfortable and lonely place. There's no worse feeling than the day after, feeling like you've just wasted whatever time sober you managed to string together until last night. Alcohol never tastes right after you know you have a problem. You convince yourself one drink won't hurt and when it hits your lips it doesn't even taste good. You have to choke down just to get where you want to be but that doesn't last long and you're just drunk again. Then morning hits. You have to make a choice, let this be it, sweep it under the rug, or keep drinking because you've already screwed up.

I don't think I would be, actually I know I wouldn't be where I am today without relapse. This is in no way meant to encourage relapse, it's just a part of my journey. Do I plan to use that as an excuse to relapse again? Hell no. Did I use that as an excuse to relapse before? I have. To be honest. I used to use any excuse to jump off the recovery wagon and back on my addiction if it meant I could escape for a little while. I was always white-knuckling my recovery thinking if I just stay sober for a while, my drinking will go back to "normal". News flash, my drinking was never normal. I was not a normal drinker. Normal drinkers don't google "do I have a drinking problem" at 3am when the anxiety kicks in.

How do we stop relapsing? That's the magic question. It's the most asked question in my inbox. Most people reach out on another day one grasping for anything that will keep them sober for 24 hours. How do we keep that motivation? How do we prevent thoughts from creeping in and sabotaging our next day?

While I can't give you the exact formula you need, I will give you some resources at the end of this blog post to kick off your journey and give you a good start, okay?

So what's my story?

When I was 14 years old I got completely blackout drunk. So drunk that I ended up slurping up vodka off of an old card table which also had cigarette ashes covering it, getting lost in the woods in what is technically a national forest during winter, lost half my clothes, then woke up covered in bruises (those aren't even the most cringe-worthy details). When I woke up the next day I had a terrible headache, no one had taught me what a hangover was, I felt like death and declared those famous four words out loud:

I'm never drinking again!

That was 14 years old. I quit drinking at 32 years old.

What the hell happened for 18 years?

Between 17-19 years of age, I went through several traumatic events in quick succession. Alcohol reentered my life a while after I turned 18 and before I knew it I was drinking heavily. It was a very tumultuous time in my life, it was the catalyst for my addictions. I called helplines, I secretly quit several times, only to be swept over by the tidal wave call relapse. Back then it was easy to pretend I just had to "get my act together and I would be fine". I was just a teenager, my drinking career hadn't even started, right? We all know teenagers and young adults who go overboard at a party but there was something different going on. I was not a carefree kid, I was broken and traumatized and drinking to escape my life. Sobriety at 18 sounded horrible. So I found ways to keep my addiction alive. By my mid-twenties, I had wrapped it in bubble wrap, held on to it tightly, and disguised it as a lifestyle.

My first "real" attempt at quitting was when I was around 26 years old. I was going through a separation and I had a summer at my parent's house. Getting sloppy at your parents this late in life just hits different, not something you can hide. It was the first time in years I felt free. I could finally breathe and it felt amazing. I started running... I was terrible at it, a former smoker, drinker, I did not do healthy. I dusted off some old workout DVDs and upstairs in my parent's spare bedroom started doing 30-minute strength training workouts. Thank you to my parents who put up with my jumping and to my mom who let me borrow her treadmill. Slowly but surely I was regaining confidence in myself. I could do this! I wanted to get healthy, I wanted to have better relationships, I wanted to put down the drink.

I can't remember how long that sobriety streak lasted. I don't think I counted days. I remembered how good it felt though and I started to crave that.

The years that followed were full of peaks and valleys, sobriety and relapses. Just when I would pull myself out, addiction would drag me under again. We don't have to get into it right now, but every time I hit the ground running on my sobriety, I was adding up miles and miles of valuable information that I use now.

The time you spend sober is not wasted. My therapist once told me it's like mileage on a car, it doesn't go back, you keep adding mileage in sobriety. Even if you go back to drinking, you didn't lose the knowledge you picked up while sober.

At age 32, I had countless day ones. April 10th, 2020 was another emotional rock bottom. I picked myself up one last time and came looking for a fight. Using anything and everything as a weapon against my addiction. I cannot go back.

Before I go I want to share a few things with you. You can read all the books, listen to all the podcasts, seek all the treatment but you have to put what you learn into action. Reading a book on fitness isn't going to help you get stronger, actually doing the workout is the only way. Sobriety is like that.

Before you say "I don't need all this". Ask yourself, are you meeting your goals in sobriety? If you're still struggling, continue adding recovery capital until you feel secure in your sobriety... And then add some more because life changes over time.

Please take a minute to look up Recovery Capital here: https://facesandvoicesofrecovery.org/blog/2019/10/08/recovery-capital-its-role-in-sustaining-recovery/

I cannot tell you how to get sober but I will share some helpful resources I've found along the way. And just a little hint, you have to click the links, read what it says, and then do what it says to do.

Find an online meeting that works for you:

(here are a few of my favorite groups)

www.smartrecovery.org

www .lifering.org

www.recoverydharma.org

www.sossobriety.org

www.womenforsobriety.org

Find a recovery book that keeps you engaged:

(here are a few of my favs, click to find on #Amazon)

This Naked Mind by Annie Grace

Recovery: Freedom from Our Addictions by Russel Brand

Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker

The Sober Lush by Amanda Eyre Ward, Jardine Libaire

Also, call your local mental health organization to see if they offer discrete outpatient help. Talk with your doctor about your options and contact a therapist who specializes in addiction. This is bold because it was a VERY important step in my own sobriety.

Click this link for more information on the connection between mental health and addiction: https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/common-comorbidities-substance-use-disorders/part-1-connection-between-substance-use-disorders-mental-illness

Remember, be willing to ask for help and when that help arrives, be willing to accept it because the last but most important resource is you. You hold the key to your success. You are a strong resilient person. I know this because you're trying. I know you're trying because you're reading this! Don't quit. Keep trying, keep getting creative, and keep moving forward.

You deserve to do this.

Best, Jen

Disclaimer: It is extremely important to understand the dangers of quitting alcohol. Please contact your doctor before quitting. Please don't take this lightly. Medical professional guidance is strongly advised!