Personal Growth

Well friends, it's been awhile! The other day I was taking a shower and a thought popped in my head "You should start blogging again" (I do my best thinking in the shower, anyone else?). Two days later, someone asked what helped me during early sobriety and writing came into the conversation. Last night out of the blue someone asked for my blog info. Then when I woke up this morning I saw one of my subscribers (okay, it was my best friend) who had logged on (thank you to that person, I love you and you always encourage me to keep going). It was too serendipitous to ignore, so here we are! Writing is my escape, even if no one reads this, it's therapeutic and I highly suggest doing it yourself if you aren't already. Grab a daily journal, use a computer, or do what I did and start a blog (I'll read it!). We should all have outlets for ourselves. Not sure if you can relate to this but I get trapped in my head, my mind can be a prison. Writing for me is like dumping it all out into words which frees up space and gives me peace.

That brings me to the next topic. If writing is my outlet and brings peace, why did I stop? The short answer is, I wasn't writing intentionally and I was more worried about being liked. I'd post and stare at my phone for notifications waiting for a like or a comment like a fiend. When I couldn't come up with something to write, I started to stress out. When I divulged too much about my personal life, I was ridden with anxiety for days. There was an incident where someone got in my head, they really tore me down and it took me months (and lots of therapy) to recover from it. This wasn't some internet troll, it was someone I was close with so it stung much more. Honestly, the more random internet haters I have the better, means I'm finally big enough! Right?! *Wrong, please don't take me seriously*

On my blog I talk about becoming my true self in sobriety. I talk about how I've felt like a chameleon my whole life, a major people pleaser, someone who wasn't living authentically. Getting sober is hands down the best way to get to know yourself. I lived my life so afraid to be myself for a long time. Living like that for as long as I did, it's been a huge process unlearning all of my coping mechanisms, and I continually find blind spots. When I say blind spot, it's exactly how it sounds. Something in your personality you can't see, a personality flaw that you don't even know about. Some of my blind spots included an egocentric personality (still working on this), unsolicited advice giving (...still working on this), talking to myself under my breath when I read (this isn't a flaw but it annoys the shit out of my husband), not validating others when they need it and saying things like "oh that's okay", the list could go on and on AND I'm sure, will continue to grow. Now that I have awareness around these things, I can start working on them.

At one point in my life my drinking problem was in a blind spot. Those of you who have followed my journey for awhile may have heard me say something to the effect of, "I always knew my drinking was a problem". Which is true, I knew from my first sip that I loved it way too much. On the other end, a lot of the problems my drinking caused were in my blind spot... If that makes sense. While I was losing friends, losing jobs, losing trust in people, I had no idea those were caused by my drinking. Oh my favorite one, I had so many health issues, I swore it was some unsolvable mystery, some real disease that belonged on a TV show like House. It couldn't have been the garbage diet, the Red Bulls, or the copious amounts of alcohol I was drinking... (this doesn't discredit anyone who has actual unsolvable issues, please don't think I'm a pompous ass hat who believe that food solves everything, although at one point that might've been in my blind spot. Also, sorry to all the pompous ass hats out there who do believe that. God, I really am a people pleaser...) Now that I've radically changed my lifestyle, a lot of those issues, including losing jobs, losing friends, feeling unhealthy, have dissipated.

We all have blind spots. Being sober helps me see them and continues bring light to some not so nice personality flaws. This can be so frightening. Over the past few years, while I was on my soapbox preaching about boundaries, I was crossing peoples boundaries left and right, I just couldn't see it. It can be overwhelming to discover we aren't perfect.

"Is it me? Am I the drama? I don't think I'm the drama..."

Writing to the public keeps track of my growth in chronological order, for everyone to see... And after questioning my own beliefs, my own experiences, my own bias, my own perceptions, I got nervous to keep writing and posting. What if I say something that I believe now but don't in a year? What if I'm not perceived the way I want to be or I regret something I write later in life?

This is where giving myself grace comes in.

I can trust myself not to say anything too outrageous, I am a kind and loving person, I need to give myself more credit. If no one likes my writing, well, that's okay, my mom says I'm excellent. (Thanks mom, love you)

What blind spots have your realized on your own personal growth journey? Have you learned to give yourself grace?

We all deserve to have a platform, to talk about our passions and our lives. If you have something to say, what are you waiting for! Rip off that band-aid. I can't wait to see what you accomplish!

Remember, go easy on yourself, you are an unfinished masterpiece!

Best, Jen