Okay, I'm Back.

Simple title but fitting, I'm back! I thought I was going to post a blog a week ago but, well, life.

You might be wondering why I decided to take a little breather from my online platform. This wasn't a social media break, I was still posting memes and scrolling through my personal pages... To put it simply, I needed a break from creating. Creating is work, even if you're working for free and at your own pace, it takes time and energy. Two things I was running low on as I approached my one-year sobriety date.

That's right! I'm one year sober!

It wasn't turning One that wore me out, it was that I took on a lot recently. You know that person that overloads themselves with new ventures and activities and then spins out and freaks about it? It's me, I'm that person. It's something I'm working on.

I wasn't the same person I was when I made those plans okay?! Kidding, I am working on following through with things also though. That's important to me now. I'm proud to say I'm dependable and I follow through with plans.

I was thinking about this today actually. When I don't feel productive enough, I use words like "lazy" and "unmotivated" to describe my lack of productivity. In reality, I am a very motivated person and I am not at all lazy.

It's such a breakthrough to pinpoint the self-deprecating inner dialog and to stop yourself. There's evidence of just the opposite in my life. There's clear evidence that I am a hard-working, highly motivated person.

I have a hard time allowing myself to rest so I use punishing words to "motivate" myself to "stay on track". That makes total sense right? Not. Now I'm learning to chill and allow myself to relax without feeling guilty. I just had to gain a new perspective first. I guess it took slowing down and feeling uncomfortable feelings surrounding inactivity.

Taking the old narrative and holding it up to the contrasting evidence and shedding that old belief system.

Can you think of any of your own distorted self-belief systems?

I've come a long way in building confidence for myself. I used to feel unworthy of others' time. I never wanted to be a burden and asking for favors was out of the question, which included asking for help. I felt like I always had to reach out and keep relationships alive. I felt if the relationship ended, it would be my fault, so I'd keep trying even though it was one-sided. I felt weak and like I couldn't trust my own decision making so I relied on others to make choices for me. I was the one always at fault, they were right, I was a horrible person and needed to change.

I never would have thought that taking a moment to dig through the evidence and match it up to what was happening would release me of this.

I urge you, try this. Next time you say something negative to yourself, about yourself, or about something you did, whether it's surrounding food you just ate, sitting on the couch too long, or even slipping up and drinking.

Repeat after me: "I don't talk to myself like that anymore, I don't allow others to talk to me like that."

You are trying. You are doing a fantastic job, the fact that you are aware of what you're doing and you're trying to better yourself is it. That's it. That level of awareness is going to allow you to work on yourself, end of story. Shed that old, toxic narrative. You deserve better.

I'll take it even one step further from that, do you ever do this: When someone gives you a compliment or points out something nice about your personality do you automatically try to "balance" it with something negative about yourself?

Do me a favor. Next time you catch that you're about to lower yourself in front of someone, stop.

Just say thank you confidently and accept the compliment. If that feels too open-ended for you, just throw them a compliment back, trust me. Practice makes perfect. Ya welcome.

Tell me when you do it because I know some of y'all needed to hear this.

Okay! Moving on!

I wanted to tell you about my break but got sidetracked with my empowering self-love speech.

So, I was off my platforms for about 3 weeks. I started at my second job doing social media and I wanted to focus on that. My normal 9-5 job takes a lot of my attention, long hours, fast pace environment. Plus ya know, two kids, two cats, a dog, and 11 chickens, girls got her hands full. Pretty sure I started a new fitness routine in there at some point also. Plus I was only a few weeks from my one year! There was a lot going on and I just needed a breather.

Things didn't exactly go as planned... I was exposed to COVID through three different people. I spent the majority of my break stuck at home (it's okay, not wining) I'm very thankful we didn't get sick. During that time my card was compromised so I ordered a new one. Because my card was new I was booted from my sobriety group, they charge a small fee monthly, I completely respect that, it vets the serious people.

It was the first time in a year I was disconnected from my sober community and I was cruising into my one year. I thought "I feel pretty good, I'll be fine". Boy was I wrong.

I had horrendous cravings about two weeks in, about one week prior to my one year. It was WILD. I haven't had cravings like that this entire year.

I instantly contacted my sober group, was plugged back into my community promptly, and I immediately threw up a post asking for accountability. It was uncomfortable and scary but I made it through. After about a day I was fine. A day might not seem like a lot but 24hrs of alcohol cravings is intense friends and all it takes for me to relapse is one sip, been there done that. So thankful I didn't drink!

And now here I am, over a year sober, talking to you folks.

Thanks for following my journey, encouraging me, supporting me, giving me feedback, and allowing me to be a part of your journey.

You help me just as much, I can promise you that.

I'm thankful to be back, thankful to be sober!

Best, Jen