Never Miss Another Sunset

Towards the end of my drinking my husband and I had this unnegotiated, unagreed upon, agreement. Actually it was more of a rule I'd make him follow and yes I know how that sounds. I myself would laugh if someone made me follow "rules" in a relationship. I had convinced him he wasn't allowed to dispute my drinking once I'd already started. I mean, have you ever tried to argue with someone who's been drinking? It's a shit show. So, to keep the peace (after a few unpeaceful arguments) we (I) talked about (demanded) this being a safe guard or a damage control attempt for the both of us (me).

So guess what this girl would do. I would race home from work, pour a glass of whatever I was drinking that night, down it, pour another, down it, pour another, okay, feeling good. Then I would pretend whatever drink I had when he walked through the door was the first one. I am SO smart, a genius really.

Since I was already a drink in he couldn't talk to me about my drinking. What a way for both of us to live, am I right?

It wasn't always like this. This was towards the end of my drinking, of many bad nights, close calls, attempts at quitting... I used to have such a handle on things. Or did I? I guess it was always like a game of Russian roulette in hindsight. Yes, sometimes I was successful at drinking. I could go out and have a few. More times than not though, I was binge drinking and then taking a few days off to shake the anxiety and hangover. I was always a heavy drinker hiding myself amongst other heavy drinkers to make it seem normal. Since no one pays attention when they're drinking, it worked.

The truth is you can go on drinking heavily for a long time... You can hide yourself in a crowd of drinkers, you can hide your alcohol consumption from people who love you, you can deny that there are issues, but you won't grow. You'll continue waking up wishing you didn't drink as much the night before. It won't stop until you stop.

I played it off for years. I had so many "rules". No hard liquor, no hiding alcohol, no drinking before 5 unless it's the weekend/brunch, and never put anyone in danger. Every time I relapsed I'd just bury the reasons why I wanted to be sober down so I could try to drink guilt free. Everyone else does it, why can't I?

"It's not so bad, this is just who I am" Mantra on repeat.

You may have noticed that I love to take sunset pictures. I live just a few minutes from Lake Michigan and I try to make the sunset multiple times a week. There was one specific event that happened to me this year. I had lapsed back in April and on this particular evening I was perch up on my couch with my glass of wine watching a movie. My husband wasn't home and at some point I had passed out. I woke to him walking in, disappointedly saying, "it was a good one tonight, you would've loved it." I glanced up and looked outside to see pink billowy beautiful clouds. I grabbed my #Nikon and ran outside. I couldn't drive... I could barely see the sunset through the tree line.

Out of all the moments this one hit me so hard. That's how it happens. You can do so many stupid "bad" things and one innocent moment will hit you like a ton of bricks. Some of you know what I'm talking about. Those innocent moments sting but if you learn to dive into their meaning it will help you in the long run. Don't hide from this. Dig in and feel it.

It was so easy to turn away and make excuses. It wasn't until I stopped and started to pay attention that the real change started. Pay attention, get creative, and listen to yourself.

My favorite hobby is catching the sunset and taking photos. My skills are improving and I get to share that with you, my family, and my friends. I never want to miss another sunset to alcohol and you don't have to miss what you love either.

Keep moving forward.

Best,

Jen