Finding Peace In Sobriety

When does that magic moment take place, when we finally realize there's no going back, and that it's okay to not go back? Why do we hold on to the idea that alcohol will suddenly work for us? If we look at the evidence it's clear that this substance is causing more harm than good but we defend it, celebrate with it, and some even willing to lose everything over it.

As I gain confidence in my sobriety and I look back on the past (something I try not to do very often) I just cannot believe how I let that take over for so long. How I lived my life. Don't get me wrong, from the outside looking in, it looked fine. Each day for me was a battle though, I was so tired of the mental conflict I was experiencing and ultimately alcohol would always win. I was not okay. I was suffering through grief, trauma, and addiction and trying to look like I had it together for the sake of "saving face" in an overly critical world.

I saw what I wanted for my self but I didn't know how to become that. Have you ever felt this disconnect? Like the character you have of yourself in your mind doesn't resemble the real you at all? This had been me for a very long time.

I often felt like I couldn't trust how I felt about myself or those around me. It's scary living inside your head and feeling like you can't trust yourself. I remember feeling helpless, feeble, and unsteady when it came to making decisions for myself or my family. I would second guess everything, rely on others to tell me what to do. If someone was willing to offer help, I was there taking it, no quality control necessary. I was just happy I didn't have to be responsible for myself or my actions. I was definitely a mansplainers best friend.

By the time I actually wanted to change, I had no idea where to start. My foundation was withered and crumbling from alcohol erosion. For fifteen years I was clinging to alcohol for protection from life. I was scared to death of life, this is not an overstatement. Alcohol was my rosè tinted glasses. I was eighteen when I started drinking and then I never stopped.

Alcohol moved with me when I moved, celebrated when I celebrated, grieved with me when I grieved... Not to mention it is SO NORMALIZED. How was I supposed to change?

It wasn't until I shut off my brain, started listening to my intuition, and started taking action steps that I was finally able to gain some traction in changing my life for the better. Towards feeling like the real me. I started adopting simple phrases to help get me through when I was stuck vs listening to the same "logic" I had been trying to rework for years in my head.

One. Step. At. A. Time.

What do I do when I'm stuck, overwhelmed, and I feel like I can't keep going?

Do. The. Next. Right. Thing.

Do you know how many times that one got me out of a hulk smash? If you haven't read my other posts, "Hulk Smash" is how my anxiety comes out. Some people freeze, some people run away, Jenny - hulk smash. I would become (metaphorically) destructive and could ruin all the good things in my life in about 5 seconds flat, it's real a talent.

See the thing is... I used to think, overthink, and OVERTHINK for hours, days, even years of my life. So, I stopped thinking. Which you would think wouldn't be beneficial but it really is. My wine soaked brain was in no place to be the driver of this bus, no honey. She had to scoot TF over and let someone else drive for awhile. No not one of the many people in my life trying to offer me advice, tell me what to do, or mainsplain the shit out of me, but my intuition.

When the insecure old mindset tried to slip back into the drivers seat and make me question everything I was accomplishing, I'd say "Stop, you don't live here anymore!" When I was anxious or talking down to my self I'd say "I DON'T talk to myself like that any longer." And when the Wine Witch was calling my name, "Stop! You are not welcome!" I add more to that because in the beginning cravings were really hard, I would change the activity I was doing (if I could) or focus on something else, or eat. Seriously, just eat something, even just gum.

I would also insert sayings like "Today is a good day to have a good day!" and "I am doing my best and right now that is enough" when I was feeling doubtful about myself or my circumstances.

I know what you're thinking, you think I'm one of those "positivity only" assholes on Instagram who say things like "Just think positive thoughts and your life will change!" (I mean, it probably won't hurt) but it's not what I mean. I had tried to go one way for so long that I realized, maybe something different is worth a try? Guess it worked...

What's that magic moment? It's realizing you already posses the tools to change your life. You just have to pick them up and start using them. Only you can change you.

It feels really awkward at first. Remember learning how to ride a bike? I fell so many times, scraped myself up, even cried because I was so afraid to go alone without support... The only way to learn how to ride a bike was to get back up and keep trying and eventually you were peddling faster and faster. Then before you knew it you were riding down a hill with both hands up saying "Wow! Look at me!" and thinking "I can't remember a time when I couldn't do this, it comes so naturally now!"

When I think about my drinking past, I can't believe I lived the way I did for so long. I don't regret my experience but I never want to experience that again.

In the beginning of sobriety everything felt so raw, like every move I made was scary and unfamiliar. Now every day I say "Wow! Look at me! I can't remember a time when I couldn't do this, it comes so naturally now!"

I can truly and honestly say I never want to drink again. If you're out there and you're struggling to find peace in sobriety, keep getting creative, keep playing around with it, this takes time and that's okay.

Best, Jen