Chameleon

Being your self can be scary as hell. Seriously. Being authentic and finding out no one "likes" me has always been a fear of mine. As I'm discovering my self through sobriety and building my own personality I find myself weaving in and out of authenticity, trying to prove myself or be someone I'm not for the sake making others comfortable around me.(People pleaser, ayeee!)

Growing up I used to stare at magazines for hours obsessing over models. I was taught that women were meant to be pretty, tall, thin, and quiet. I thought "Okay, what do these girls have that I don't?" They are skinny, they wear nice clothes, and they do their hair/makeup, okay, got it. If I do this, then people are going to love me and stop making fun of me.

Of course we all know we're awkward as shit at 13 years old and nothing I could come up in my little make-up caboodle would ever resemble what was going on in Vogue magazine.

Every criticizing comment pierced me, I was never good enough. The compliments I received from other people fell through me, they never stuck. I was basing my worth on what others thought of me but only focusing on the negatives, what I was not. This came from a deep belief that I had to be perfect. The tools I was handed growing up were flawed, I was building my fortress from outdated materials. "Girls have to be nice, thin, and quiet."

Deeply insecure about who I was entering adulthood I tried to become everyone else. I would mirror people so they would like me more, it was always skin deep and I rarely stayed true to my self. My intuition was there, I just kept her drinking. She didn't care as much when she was drunk. It's a lot easier to put on a mask when your inhibitions are tainted with a Redbull and vodka. Ain't ever goin to bed - sleep when I'm dead! (the ballad of my 20's)

This does not work, lemme tell you. Want to feel like an empty shell of a human? Just be fake all the time and try to people please your way through life.

My early 20's were a concoction of insecurity, people pleasing, bad eyebrows, fake tanning, and alcohol.

Alcohol gassed me up and gave me that boost of confidence I was always craving. With alcohol I was prettier, funnier, and could approach anyone. All those digs at me growing up? They didn't matter anymore because I could just use this liquid gold to make it all better! All patched up, see! (cue drunk Jen, hair a mess, cigarette lit backwards, raccoon eyes, lovely creature of the night.)

It wasn't all bad and what was lacking at home my true friends made up for. You guys, I have the most amazing group of friends who lift me up still to this day and I am unbelievably blessed in that area.

They are a dream team of independent badass women who have shown me how to love me. They have been there to support and love me (the real me) through everything.

Find your tribe and hold on to them.

The feeling of wanting to be someone else? That's fading away. When I feel myself deviating from the intuition I kept inebriated for so long, I put myself in check. Is this me? Am I trying to impress someone? Will I be able to "keep up" with this?

Every day I learn to love myself more, it's where the real magic happens. The materials I'm using now are strong, authentic, they're empowered, and built from my own hands.

They're showing my daughter it's good to be strong, confident in your own voice, and to love your body.

If someone doesn't like me, it's okay. I'll still choose to be me.

Best, Jen