Almost Famous

Will I ever amount to anything?

What if I told you this is a fear that kept me in my drinking for a very long time. "It's too late for me, I messed everything up. I didn't get that education, I never chased my dreams. I've sat here for years and years at dead-end jobs burying my ambition. Why even try?"

Sobriety has a way of pushing you further than you've ever been. Your life really begins when you put down your drink. Here you are sober and suddenly full of every emotion. ALL the emotions. You've spent the past (who knows how long) hiding from life, picking up a drink after any amount of strenuous activity, you did a good job, you deserved that drink. Suddenly you're here, however you got here. Maybe you hit rock bottom, maybe you just decided enough was enough.

The moment you take away the one thing that was holding you back, that's it, right? Everything else will fall into place. "I have the power now and I am going to succeed in life!"

I'm sure you've heard of the "Pink Cloud" but if you haven't this is a period some people in early sobriety experience. It offers this elated feeling of hope and helps you feel confident in your choice to quit drinking, EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! |It is great, I have experienced the Pink Cloud and it helped me survive some pretty tumultuous times in early sobriety.| However, there's a danger in the euphoria as you get a false sense of reality in a short lived experience. When you drink alcohol your brain is forced to release a flood of chemicals like norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin so naturally, your brain downregulates the production of these chemicals (homeostasis). So if you're like me and drank for 15 years when you quit drinking your brain has to come back online and start producing them on its own without the help of alcohol. |Side note: did you know that's why people die in alcohol detox? Your brain freaks out and can't regulate your circulation and respiratory system which affects your heart rate and your breathing. Scary shit. Always consult a physician if you're thinking of quitting and have been a heavy or moderate drinker, please!|

Okay, so then your brain takes its sweet time to restore the chemical balance to its full potential. Thanks, brain! Okay, I guess it's not your fault I kept poisoning you... I spent 15 years making my brain very lazy. Whoops...

What I'm trying to say is that you can feel down for a long time. So please don't get discouraged if you're not walking on air forever after quitting drinking. Even those who are feeling the pink cloud will plateau eventually.

Here's the thing. You may have stopped drinking (which is fantastic by the way, congratulations) but you still have to live life and life is well... Hard. Under all those drinks were possible debt piling up, mental health issues, unresolved trauma, hard feelings being woven into friendships, distancing relationships. All the time you were drifting further and further away from your goals. Honestly, just typing this makes my chest tight with anxiety. I feel this so much because I've experienced it. The good news is there is real help out there. People to help guide you through each overwhelming challenge, one step at a time. You just have to not give up on yourself. The best way to succeed at this is to not go backward and to keep moving through it. Feels a bit like shoveling a driveway in a blizzard but eventually, the storm will end and you'll be there, shovel in hand. (Can you tell I live in the Midwest?)

Do you remember what you wanted to be before you started drinking? God, it's been so long for me. I was just a goofy kid when I started to use alcohol to numb out. All I cared about was becoming a model, that's right, I wanted to be a model, a fashion designer, an author, a world traveler, and a handful of other glamorous things. I guess now I'm becoming a role model and a writer. So, that's something...( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I also wanted to be famous. (Wow) I'm just going to throw that out there because why not. I wanted to be famous. How was I going to get famous? Apparently, I didn't think that far into it, I just wanted to loved and adored by many (♌︎ it's the Leo in me ♌︎). Now I dream of rarely leaving my house and limited interaction with people at the local grocery store. Say what you want but these face masks are a GODSEND for staying in my own personal bubble.

A successful day looks like an uneventful workday, writing, a workout, the least amount of driving possible, and some Netflix. Throw in a sunset if the weather is ever nice! (You'll have to excuse my negative connotation it's 5 degrees out and I miss the sun).

If you're like me you spent your drinking years on a metaphorical treadmill, never really going anywhere but feeling wiped out by life. When you get off the treadmill and actually start walking on your own, as awkward as it might feel, you literally can't help but move forward. You are going to do better than if you were drinking no matter what. (It's possible to regress in sobriety, see "dry drunk".)

Does this mean instant success once you stop poisoning yourself daily/weekly? Um, no. Will you be better off? Um, yes.

Will I ever amount to anything? I don't know. If I can age gracefully and see my kids grow up, I'll feel successful.

All I can hope is that my words uplift and help others to cope, that my kids absorb my resilience and that their own self-reliance awakens in them during tough times, and that I follow my intuition through life. And most importantly, I hope to stay sober.

If I hit any of those marks, I will have been successful.

If I become famous along the way, well, I still want to be left alone in the grocery store.

Best,

Jen