Admitting I Hurt Others

This was a hard one for me but completely necessary and essential for my progress in recovery. Bullheaded is an understatement. Sure, I self sacrifice for the comfort of others but I also routinely ignore others feelings. Oh, you have feelings that make me question my actions? Too bad, my needs come first, byeeee.

A breakthrough moment happened one night while I was drinking. My husband was annoyed with me because I was obviously tipsy while making dinner, this was common. I was defending my actions with every new glass of wine I poured. "Yeah, don't come at me right now bro, I'm enjoying this buzz and it's my right! No man is going to tell me what to do!". Then without warning, a thought popped in my head, why isn't he entitled to his feelings? He's allowed to feel his own feelings and here I am trying to block that in a desperate attempt not to "deal" with my own. Without hesitation I walked in the living room and said "You're allowed to feel what you feel, it's okay and I'm sorry I get so defensive". The words came out without me even thinking. Was this me admitting he was right? Was this defeat?

My mentality had been, don't tread on me unless I let you. I was in constant need of control and my defenses were always up. Which in hindsight was exhausting. Hard to receive love if you won't let anyone in. My husband was concerned, loved me, and just wanted me to make healthier choices. I took this as a threat to my lifestyle. This was also his life. I would have never put up with that if the shoe were on the other foot.

I clung to this unhealthy lifestyle as it was filling up with "wine" and sinking. Telling anyone who scoffed at my behavior "Um, look in the mirror, you aren't so great yourself". All while knowing I had a problem and I just didn't have the mental energy to deal with it. Does that make everyone who judged me right? No, some people are just dicks.

When I started to look inward at what I was telling myself, things like "I don't want to wake up feeling like shit anymore." and "I'd really like to get in shape, I just keep failing at a routine." the answer was clear. Alcohol was not only hurting people around me it was also holding me back from what I wanted. No one needed to tell me to stop for me to figure that out.

The truth is (and I'm sure you've heard this) you cannot quit for other people. But understanding the impact of my behavior on others helped motivate me to look inward. Would I want to be loved by me? What does that look like? I'm lucky enough to have someone in my life who set boundaries for himself, those boundaries were like a mirror and I was able to see how I was acting. I could have let it go, I could have continued acting the way I was and stay in true denial, but deep down I wanted to change.

So, I let change happen.

Best, Jen